Have I ever told you how much I loved the show Deadwood? It was beautiful and gritty and Shakespearean, and I miss the characters terribly now that they're gone. Except, of course, for George Hearst . . . vile, disgusting George Hearst, who killed the gentle Mr. Ellsworth and chopped off Al's finger (truth be told, I was more indignant about the latter). Unfortunately, George Hearst got out of the eponymous town unscathed, with the exception of a very minor bullet wound. I gotta tell you, this turn of events really chapped my hide. I understand that the writers had to work within the constraints of history, but . . . the man was pure evil. I would have preferred that they simply abandoned historical fact and gave the viewers what we wanted for the finale: sweet, sweet revenge. I've already imagined several alternatives to this ending, and here are a few of them.

Alternate endings for Deadwood:

1. Al throws Hearst off the balcony of the Gem. A stagecoach rolls over him.
2. Al lobs his treasured head-in-the-box at Hearst, knocking him right into Charlie Utter's fists of fury.
3. Al feeds Hearst to Wu's pigs. While he's still alive.
4. Mrs. Ellsworth stabs Hearst to death with a diamond-encrusted hair pin.
5. Seth Bullock makes his angry face and drags Hearst through the street again by his ear. But instead of depositing him in the jail, he walls him into an underground winery beside some casks of amontillado.
6. Doc drugs Hearst and delivers him to his secret mountain lair for some slightly unethical medical experiments. His eventual death proves to be a great boon to science.
7. Hearst turns out to be a robot. Richardson spills a bucket of water on him and he short-circuits, just like in Westworld.
8. The horse that paralyzed Steve realizes its error and delivers a comparable kick to Hearst's spine. Cue the theme from Mr. Ed.
9. Calamity Jane expels a deadly blast of hangover breath in Hearst's face, killing him instantly.
10. Zombie Bill Hickock rises from the grave and devours Hearst's brains.
11. Dan fights Hearst and tears out one of his eyeballs in the process. Maybe both.
12. The Pinkertons get sassy with Hearst's men. A major dance-fight ensues. ("When you're a Hearst, you're a Hearst all the way . . . .")
13. Trixie metamorphoses into her true vampire form and tears out Hearst's throat, letting him slowly bleed to death in the thoroughfare.
14. Reverend Cramed sprinkles Hearst with holy water and reads some pertinent Bible verses. Then he stabs him in the gut.

Much better, huh?

Tags: popculture