What if James Bond had been a cowboy instead of a spy?

Well, for starters, he would have a country twang. Every use of "Bond, James Bond" would be preceded by a hearty "Howdy, Ma'am." Rather than reporting to the good folks at MI-6, he'd be comparing notes with the head wrangler at the Lazy M Ranch. He would take his whiskey shaken not stirred. All of his cavorting and intrigue would take place on cattle drives and in saloons. It'd be fun.

Let's take a moment and look at how the Bond films might have been different if their protagonist had been a cowboy:

From Dodge City With Love

On His Marshal's Secret Posse

Goldfinger (Same title, except now it's about Sutter's Mill)

The Cattlehand Who Loved Me

License to Rope

GoldenEarp

Dr. Novocaine (About Doc Holliday, naturally. You knew who was a dentist, right?)

A View to a Necktie Social

Peacemaker

The Man with the Golden Boot

Tom Mix Never Dies

Octopussy the Kid

For Your Saddle Only

The Oklahoma Territory Is Not Enough

And so on. Of course, the dialogue would have to be modified to reflect the genre:

"Are ya waitin' fer me to talk?"

"No sirree, Mr. Bond, I'm waitin' fer ya to die."

Actually, the more I consider this the more I think there's something to it. Wouldn't it be fascinating to reinterpret all this spy vs. spy material through the lens of the Wild West? It's not as if there are so many substantive differences. They're both about stoic loners who engage in violent behavior for an honorable cause. They're both about men who change their women as often as their socks (more often, in the case of the cowboy). It'd be a pretty simple conversion, really. Got a nuclear weapon in the hands of a bunch of nihilistic political separatists? Substitute a bank robber with a pack of dynamite. Thrilling car chase through the French countryside? Make it a buffalo stampede, and you're gold.

Does anyone out there have the interest and temerity to bring this dream to life? Or maybe—just a thought here—I could generate interest in the highest levels of the industry. I'm envisioning an Indiana Jones-type feel to these, so perhaps I could persuade George Lucas to take on this project. You know, since he's all finished with the Star Wars films and everything. Wait, he is done with them, right? Anyway, I'm sure things are getting pretty quiet on the Skywalker Ranch, so maybe I'll head over there to pitch the idea. I have heard, however, that he sometimes shoots people on sight. So, Gentle Reader, if I end up dead in the next few months, you'll know George Lucas did it. Please don't let him get away with it (the way he got away with making Greedo shoot first). He's a smooth talker, that George Lucas. He'll swagger up to the witness chair in his uniform and terrify everyone with his bravado and his profanity. Don't let him pull rank on you, or tell you that if it weren't for him the entertainment industry would be a shambles. At some point he'll probably tell you that you can't handle the truth. But don't ease up. Press him until he screams in your face that he did the deed. I have faith in you, because deep down I know you're going to make one hell of a trial lawyer. Your father would have been proud.

Hmm. Maybe the movie should be about that.