Ladies and gentlmen of the school board, I am here today to tell you how imperative it is that we place more emphasis on teaching The Epic of Gilgamesh in our schools. Yes, it's mentioned peripherally on occasion, but the text is treated with a dismissiveness that is downright offensive to me. The Epic of Gilgamesh should be taught as historical fact, not as "literature" or, even worse, "mythology." This is a sad era, indeed, when teachers can stand before a classroom full of kids and say that The Epic of Gilgamesh did not happen exactly as written. Who are you to question the writings of Shin-eqi-unninni? Who do you think you are?

Let me give you a bit of context here. The Epic of Gilgamesh is probably the oldest written story in human history. It was from from Ancient Sumeria, and was originally transcribed in cuneiform on a series of tablets. It is about a King Gilgamesh of Uruk, who ruled circa 2750 BCE. You may notice that this text is older than the Bible. This is a great testament to its credibility. It seems to me that the closer things are to the beginnings of creation, the more likely they are to be pure and uncorrupted. Therefore, the oldest written story probably has more truth to it than that biopic on Mariel Hemingway I just saw.

You may object to my assessment, saying that the writer of The Epic of Gilgamesh had his or her own agenda and distorted the facts accordingly. You may even assert that certain embellishments of the narrative were made for the sake of aesthetics and were not intended to be taken as literal truth. This is ridiculous, and if I didn't know better, I'd suggest that you were going to hell for espousing such beliefs. But, of course, the Ancient Sumerians believed in more of an egalitarian underworld—irrespective of a person's behavior—so I guess you're off the hook on that one.

Sure, science tells us that some of the events that occur in the epic are not possible according to the laws of nature. For example, certain naysayers have repeatedly pointed out that "scorpions can't talk." Whatever. We all know how science lies when it's backed into a corner. The modern scientific community is so driven by humanistic self-aggrandization that it seeks to quash everything it can't explain. These individuals are bent on stripping human life of its miraculous quality, and therefore, its meaning. But their words mean nothing; they cannot subvert the truth that was written down so many years before. I believe The Epic of Gilgamesh is literal truth. I believe that not only did Gilgamesh exist, but that he was part deity. I believe that he and Enkidu had wrestling matches the likes of which the WWE could only dream of, and that, together, they defeated a demon guy who wasn't wearing much armor. I believe that Gilgamesh spurned the advances of a goddess named Ishtar and that she tried to punish him for it. I believe that he met a man named Utnapishtim, who built a boat in order to survive the great flood (did I mention this was before the Bible?). And I believe that at the end of his life, he did take that boat ride in search of immortality. The Epic of Gilgamesh is beyond question, its authenticity beyond reproach.

As a sidenote, I'd like to know what other religious text you can think of that was written in a language as complex as cuneiform? The author gains credibility simply based on the difficulty of the endeavor. Do you know how hard it is to hold a long, sharpened reed just right, so the wedge marks don't smudge the clay? It takes a freakin' act of Anu, the sky-god. Which is exactly my point.

So, to sum up, let's ensure that The Epic of Gilgamesh is taught in history classes, not English classes. Our children's future is too important to leave to the evil dogma of the scientists. This is what I believe, and this is what your kids should believe, too. Thanks for your time.

Tags: academia