Notes from the Back of a Grocery Store Line
Wednesday, 16 March 2005 8:15 CST
Hi there, Man and Woman ahead of me in line at the grocery store. I notice that you have two shopping carts full of soda—all in 2-liter bottles. There are so many of them piled in there that they keep falling out. Are you planning to go into business? Am I going to see you two downtown tomorrow, peddling your wares from a street corner? I'm just asking because it's going to take the cashier until the end of time to scan your merchandise, and I have a few things I'd like to take care of before then.
If you're not planning to go into business with that soda, then what are you doing with it? Here are a few theories I've come up with; please tell me when I'm getting warm.
- You misunderstood your local drug dealer when he requested 50 kilos of coke.
- You're hosting a pizza party for every child in North America.
- You're hoping to find the golden ticket that will entitle you to a tour of the famous Billy Barq's root beer factory.
- You took the term 'soda fountain' a little too literally.
- You're going to empty the bottles out, lash them together, and use them as a flotation device to carry you across the Atlantic. (You'll be the new Lindberghs!)
- Pepsi fetish.
- You're going to cut off the tops of the bottles, fill the bottoms with water, and start your own hydroponics lab.
- You've developed a type of car that uses soda as fuel.
- You've developed a killer robot that uses soda as fuel.
- You're going to secretly replace our oceans with Mountain Dew to see if anyone notices.
- You're trying out the South Lawrence Dr. Pepper Diet.
- You'd like to buy the world a Coke.
- You're a member of the Michigan People's Liberation Front, and you're planning to conduct a full-scale marine assault on Wisconsin from the banks of Lake Michigan, using only bottle rockets.
- You were recently accused of being oblivious to pop culture.
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Comments
1 Lori Parry said January 14, 2010 at 9:37 p.m.
One of my pet peeves is when I'm stalked in the grocery store by a tall, slender woman with pink hair . . .
2 Dave said January 14, 2010 at 9:37 p.m.
You forgot two (less romantic) options:
- They're getting ready for the nukiler winter Fox promised this morning, and are die hard cafeine addicts.
- Geek convention and they're organizing it.
3 Jeremy Hawkins said January 14, 2010 at 9:37 p.m.
You remember that commercial (usually before the previews at Sony theaters) where the woman is walking down the street singing and handing everybody a Coke? Well I was watching it for the third time when I noticed how odd it is...a black woman, who walks down the street and hands out Cokes...to white people. The only person of color who gets a Coke is the last girl...otherwise, about six or seven white people get Cokes. What kind of message are we sending here? Didn't the ad agency know that white people want Pepsi, not Coke? Hah.
4 Karen said January 14, 2010 at 9:37 p.m.
Lori--Didn't think you knew it was me.
Dave--You're probably right on both counts.
Jeremy--Good observation, even if you did utterly ruin it there at the end. ;)