For you hardcore politics junkies who didn't happen to catch the second debate tonight, I have prepared a by-the-minute account of the event. I have illuminated the major points and commented when I was puzzled or irritated by what I heard. No edits have been made except for clarification and where I stupidly left words out or something. Comments in quotes are direct quotations. All others are approximations.

They're sitting on stools. Man, that looks weird. These two larger-than-life guys sitting on stools.

Question #1. Senator Kerry, are you wishy-washy?

K: No, I've had a consistent position all along. My opponent has employed weapons of mass deception.

Question #2. Mr. Bush, was war in Iraq justified even with no WMDs?

B: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11

Bush = Jerry Falwell?

Question #3. Senator Kerry, is your plan for dealing with Iraq the same as Bush's?

K: No, there's too much chaos now. I've got a better plan.

Kerry uses Socratic method with himself for awhile, concludes that world leaders must be involved.

B: My opponent's plan for involving world leaders won't work. I know how these people think.

Question #4. Mr. Bush, what is your plan to repair relations with other countries?

At this point Bush invokes Reagan. There are some confused pronunciamentos about the Palestinian conflict, and he mentions that we didn't join the criminal court in Europe, even though that decision was unpopular.

Why won't we participate? Because we shouldn't have to be held to the same standards as the rest of the world. I guess he doesn't want to end up in the Hague on the wrong side of a prosecution. With stuff like Abu Ghraib and Gitmo mucking up his already checkered record (hey that rhymes!), are we surprised?

Kerry reminds us that military is in charge of winning the war, but it's the president's job to win the peace.

Thank you for finally making that distinction.

Question #5. Iran sponsors terrorism, will have nukes in 2-3 years. Senator Kerry, what will you do if sanctions don't work?

K: Join with Europe and crack down on proliferation as a whole. It's hard to be a good example when we are engineering new types of bunker-busting weapons.

B: Axis of evil.

Question #6. Mr. Bush, how can we sustain our presence without a draft?

B: I've heard "on the Internets" that there are rumors of a draft. We have a well-trained army and they can deal with all world threats. "We're not going to have a draft so long as I'm the president."

(Subtext: readers are referred to the paradox of Schrodinger's cat, in which the cat is said to be both inside and outside the box at the same moment in time. Likewise, our soldiers will undergo special training in order to be in Iraq, North Korea, and Afghanistan simultaneously.)

K: (name dropping for 75 seconds) Our military is overextended, what with stop-loss policies, backdoor draft. Building alliances will allow us to do more.

Bush rebuts, sort of. "Servio" Berlusconi is mentioned, and yes, Poland.

Bush bullies the commentator into extra time, including a mini-tantrum that reminds me a little of Napoleon Dynamite.

Question #7. Senator Kerry, why haven't there been more terrorist attacks, and what would you do to preserve our safety?

K: We will be hit again. Intelligence is the most important tool in a fight on terrorism, and this comes from the best cooperation with other nations. Bush's priority is tax cuts for wealthy, rather than homeland security.

B: We have to be right 100% of the time. The terrorists only have to be right once. I'm worried. I'm worried. I know there are people working overtime. We will spread freedom to the world.

Question #8. Mr. Bush, why did you block the importation of drugs from Canada?

B: I wanted to make sure they were safe. Want to make sure drugs cure and don't kill.

Because if the FDA approves it, we know it's safe. No, wait, there's that whole Vioxx thing. Oh, and the hormone therapy thing.

K: He made it illegal for Medicare to bulk-purchase drugs. He put profit in the drug companies' pockets. I want you to get drugs. He can't balance the budget.

Question #9. Senator Kerry, how can you reconcile wanting better health care and having John Edwards, a trial lawyer, as a VP?

K: Lawsuits are only 1% of total cost of health care. I have a plan to improve things. I have infinite faith in Mr. Edwards.

ME: Will somebody please address the misconception at the core of this question? That it's somehow a problem for people to have legal recourse when a doctor screws up and destroys their lives? Please? Anyone? Buehler?

B: Kerry didn't do anything about the health care issues and now wants government to run it. "This is what liberals do." They create government-sponsored health care. It would ruin the quality of health care.

Question #10. Mr. Bush, you've had a Republican majority in House and Senate, and have not vetoed a single spending bill. Why is that, when the deficit is so huge?

B: Deficit caused by reception. We have to spend the money to protect ourselves and our families.

Please substitue "yachts" for "families."

K: $5.6 trillion dollar surplus go down the drain. This is the first president in 72 years to lose jobs. The first time we've ever had a tax cut when we're at war. I'll fight for fiscal responsibility.

I agree about the need to end corporate giveaways, but please stop doing that weird tongue thing, John. You're creeping me out.

Question #11. Senator Kerry, will you solemnly swear into the camera that you will not raise taxes on families making less than $200 grand a year?

K: (looking into camera) Yes. More help for children, colleges, etc. Why hasn't my opponent vetoed any spending bill? (Here he mentions a quote about the budget from John McCain, whose name I sometimes confuse with Steve McQueen. They are both men of honor, and they both starred in The Magnificent Seven)

Bush says Kerry is not fiscal conservative. (Follows up by calling kettle black.)

B: (about the discrepancy in raised taxes for wealthiest Americans) "We've got battling green eye shades."

I don't know what that means, and I can't figure out what else he could have said. This debate has officially gone into the realm of the absurd. Please ignore the fact that everyone in the room has just turned into a rhinoceros.

Question #12. How would you rate yourself as an environmentalist, Mr. Bush?

B: Well, we improved off-road diesel stuff, and cleared the skies. There are sore spots in the urban areas, which we're fixing. We'll increase the wetlands. And the healthy forests. The trees weren't being harvested, they need to be saved, they're like tinder....

I'm pretty sure that if you didn't already fundamentally understand what the Healthy Forest initiative entailed, you sure as hell won't understand it based on what Bush said.

And by the way, he proposed a hydrogen automobile.

K: This is one of the worst administrations in history in terms of environments. The air would be CLEANER if we hadn't passed that law. We're going backwards. He pulled out of the global warming, and didn't accept the science.

B: Well, the Kyoto would have cost us jobs.

K: Kyoto was flawed, but Bush didn't try to fix it. He just gave up on it and declared it dead. That's why other countries are frustrated with us.

Question #13. Senator Kerry, how can the US be competitive in manufacturing given the wage necessary to maintain the standard of living workers expect?

K: I will shut corporate loopholes, and I will give credits for companies that keep American jobs. Health care is the thing that's hitting us hardest in terms of business losses. I want to lower health care costs. We'll free our people from dependence on foreign oil.

B: Medical liability reform. Health savings accounts. The best way to keep American jobs here is to have a good energy plan. Less regulation to keep jobs here.

K: 96% of small businesses will not be affected by my plan.

A little later:

B: "I own a lumber company? That's news to me. Want some wood?"

Question #14. Mr. Bush, with expansions of the Patriot Act, why are my civil rights (specifically 4th amendment) being watered down?

B: They're not being watered down. I hope you don't think they are. "Whoever's president must guard your liberties." Our law enforcement must have every tool to fight terror.

K: A whole lot of folks want to get rid of some parts of the Patriot Act, including a bunch of Republicans. People are being held captive without access to a lawyer. This is America. I agree that parts of the Act are needed. The FBI and CIA must be able to communicate. But we can't let the terrorists change the way we do things, especially our rights.

Question #15. Senator Kerry, wouldn't it be wise to use only second-generation stem-cell research rather than embryonic stem-cell research?

K: (name dropping for 60 seconds) We can do ethically guided stem-cell research. Most of these embryos are either going to be destroyed or left frozen. I understand the concern behind the question, but it's respecting life to look for a cure.

B: I think we should leave them in the fridge.

K: Scientists agree that the lines of stem-cells that exist are not adequate. There aren't enough, or they're contaminated.

B: I'm balancing science and ethics!

Question #16. Mr. Bush, if there were a vacancy in the Supreme Court, who would you choose and why?

B: "I'm not telling. Heh heh heh." I would pick someone who didn't let a personal opinion to interfere with his work. Like someone who says that "under God" can't be on the dollar.

Because apparently religion is not a matter of personal opinion. It's a matter of fact.

K: quotes Bush as saying, "What we need are more conservative justices on the court." I think we need a good judge. The future of things that matter to you is at stake with the court.

Sadly, no one advocates for Judge Judy.

Question #17. Senator Kerry, suppose you were speaking to a voter that believes abortion is murder, what would you say about her concerns that tax money may be used to pay for abortions?

K: I'm a spiritual man, and I have my beliefs on this issue. But I can't take what is an article of faith for me and legislate it. I can talk to people about making other choices, and responsibility. You have to afford people their constitutional rights.

B: We won't spend tax payers money on abortion. Every child should be protected by law and welcomed in life. We need a "culture of life."

K: It's not that simple. "It's never quite as simple as the president would have you believe."

B: "You can run, but you can't hide. The reality."

Question #18. Mr. Bush, please give 3 instances in which you felt you'd made a wrong decision and what you did to correct it.

B: There were some appointments that you'd never heard of ...(trailing off). But on the big questions, I stand by the decisions I've made. "I did the right decision."

K: "I believe the president made a huge mistake, a catastrophic mistake ..." by not building a true global coalition and going to war as a last resort. "There's no bigger judgment for the president of the United States than when he goes to war." It's not enough to say that Hussein might have done something.

Kerry's closing statement: Thanks. Thanks some more. We both feel strongly about our beliefs. We differ on what makes America stronger. Our country is strongest when we lead alliances in the world. Let's also work on the environment, the schools, the health care system. We must be fiscally responsible. Stronger at home, respected in the world.

Bush's closing statement: "Who can lead? Who can get things done?" We've been through a lot. Home ownership is on a rise. We need to not increase the scope of the federal government. We need an energy plan that will help us become less dependent on the—9/11!—foreign sources of oil. Tomorrow Afghanistan will be having elections. 9/11! Eventually, this will happen in Iraq.