Well, it's finally happened. The National Geographic channel has started pandering to the lowest common denominator. Lately, if you watch any program on NGC, the tone of the narration resembles the crazed rhetoric of late-night police chase shows. The libretto for National Geographic's "World's Most Dangerous Jobs" goes something like this: "But little did these firefighters know that they were in the gravest danger, for death was just over the ridge, waiting to envelop them. The fire blazed savagely up the south side of the mountain, engulfing with raging fury everything in its path. Who could escape its murderous rampage? When we return, find out who will survive the inferno."

My biggest problem with this—aside from the regrettable trivialization of human life, of course—is that these shows utilize sloppy, overinflated, and often anthropomorphic language. Strip away a few adjectives and adverbs, and then maybe we'll have something to say to each other. For example, you don't talk about fires or other natural forces being murderous. Murder requires intent to kill—and a brain. Just think about this for a moment. Fires turn stuff into fuel, because that's what fires do—not because they are sentient and out to get us. We're not talking Agatha Christie here. Same with the "raging fury" line. Does this mean the fire is angry for some reason? Did some other fire piss it off? And if so, is it possible for fires to blaze serenely? Can they blaze in a way that demonstrates their immense pleasure with the state of the world?

The thing is, I expect and appreciate this silliness from car-chase shows. I've often thought it'd be fun to write for one of them. But the National Geographic channel? Does it, too, have to be "Murder and Mayhem!" every second of every day? Why is it that this once-respected enterprise—which for years has been the gateway to world culture—is now forced to compete on the level with "Cheaters"?

Like alcohol and loose women, language is a substance best used in moderation. If you're not careful with it, you'll end up drunk on oration and debauched by hyperbole. Then the meanings of words will begin to depreciate, and pretty soon "murderdeathkill" will be just another word for boring.

Tags: anthropomorphism, popculture