Did you know that a Dracula amusement park has recently opened in Vlad the Impaler's homeland? It's located in Snagov, Romania, near Bucharest, and it's where the remains of Vlad Tepes are said to be buried. I know nothing else about it, except that I want to go there very, very badly. It's only a zillion times cooler than that brain-dead Oz amusement park they keep trying to build in my beloved eastern Kansas (may Dorothy rot in hell). My guess is that the Dracula park will be a Universal Studios sort of gig, complete with goofy rides through haunted castles and lots of irritable teenaged staff persons standing around in capes and plastic fangs.

If they do decide to cater to the movie-going crowd, a nice, respectful tribute to Bela Lugosi is mandatory. I'm thinking rock opera here, with Fosse-style choreography and libretto by Sondheim. I'd also like to see a ride where tourists can hang with an animatronic Kiefer Sutherland, before riding motorcycles to an abandoned hotel and making Jason Patric eat maggots. For the more literary traveler, how about an all-vampire production of Willa Cather's O Pioneers!?

Now that I think about it, this project really throws into sharp relief the considerable deficit of knowledge we humans have about our blood-sucking friends. What would really be helpful for the Dracula park is a series of workshops that disseminate information about real-life vampires, especially how one can deal with them in a tight spot. Mainly, I'm talking about self-defense scenarios. For example:

You're walking home from the burger joint after enjoying a malted with your friends. You realize it is almost 9 o'clock, and thinking how angry Father will be if you arrive after curfew, you take a short-cut through an alley. Suddenly, your poodle skirt catches on a nail, and you lose your balance. There is a rush of wind, a blur of motion, and before you know it, two sharpened incisors are pressed against your neck. What's a girl to do?

Let me say first that I have nothing against vampires. Some of my best friends are vampires. But there is a family of them living next door to us, and although they are quiet and mostly keep to themselves (except the daughter, who keeps blaring old Kenny Loggins tapes—talk about sucking), I'd sure like to know how to defend myself in case they decide to get belligerent. Is there an authoritative source for information about vampires? Perhaps a Compendium of Occult Knowledge or an Encyclopedia Satanica?

What follows is an abbreviated list of things I'd like to know about vampires. If anyone knows the answer to any of these questions, please let me know.

1. Does holy water burn like acid or just cause the skin to melt?
2. Does silver do anything at all?
3. How about garlic? Anathema, or just another garnish?
4. Are vampires able to conceive and give birth, or are they end-of-the-line mutations (like mules)? If they do pop out babies, what comes out when they are breastfeeding?
5. Is La Magra real? If so, does he love the little children, all the children of the world?
6. How do vampires live in Alaska, where the sun is out for six months at a time?
7. Is it more conducive to learning if vampires attend separate schools, or is integration better?
8. Is Tom Cruise actually a vampire, posing as a human, posing as a Scientologist?
9. Do vampires prefer a certain brand of car or truck?
10. Russian legend says that vampires are obsessive-compulsive, and that if you throw a handful of nails onto the ground in front of them, they'll have to stop to count them all before continuing the chase. Is this true, and does it work with Tic-Tacs?
11. Are vampires heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or Morrissey?
12. Does the Catholic church actually sponsor an elite team of vampire hunters in the Southwest? Can I join them?
13. Is there a provision concerning vampires in the Patriot Act?

Tags: scared